Daily Joke: Why couldn’t the leopard play hide-and-seek? Because he was always spotted.

Daily Joke: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? ‘Put it on my bill.’

Daily Joke: What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.

Daily Joke: What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can’t tuna fish.

Daily Joke: What did the pirate say when he turned 80-years-old? Aye matey.

Daily Joke: Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays.”